No Cookies for You!

Dear Hubby,

Did you think I wouldn't notice that you got into the chocolate chips? Now I know why your eyes didn't widen with delight when I said I was baking cookies.

Settling Down

Last night my family and I grabbed our ponchos and strolled downtown for an evening of 80s music and fireworks. While it may seem we were prepared due to my mention of ponchos, we were decidedly unprepared. We noticed this soon after we arrived at Lakeside park with no ID card with which to admit our ready-to-pee, penis-holding three-year-old to the restroom. You see, in our neighborhood, one has to have his town ID card to get into the amenities, such as the awesome playground our kids had to sit next to all night without being able to go in, because I forgot aforementioned card.

Also woefully left behind was the blanket we were to sit on, the cold beverages and tasty snacks, and the card game we would have enjoyed until someone got tired of losing and threw the cards all over the grass. Insect repellent: who would have thought to bring that along on a warm Florida night near the lake?

So we perched on our ponchos amidst our fellow townspeople who could pee when they wanted or send their whiny kids to the playground or pick up the Uno cards their sore loser seven-year-old tossed at her brother's head. We waited about two hours there shooing bugs and playing solitaire on our phones. We "watered" the bushes and found some toys in the bottom of my backpack amidst the layers of toddler snack crumbs, diapers, and sand. The children quit fighting and complaining about lack of snackage. It didn't even rain as expected. Little by little the "misery" eased (it wasn't true misery after all). We settled down.

I wish to "settle down" in the other areas of my life. Like our outing on the Fourth, our lives are lacking due to not being prepared. Granted, it is not easy to prepare to move a family of eight out of state and start a new job and life, but I am rethinking our decisions this past year. We have moved three times. We are currently paying high rent. We need new cars. We may have been emotionally damaged by homeschooling. I am only partly joking on that last one. Our decisions have gotten us to this place in our lives, and this place is not ideal.

Let me go back a few steps. I said it wasn't true misery on our Fourth of July outing. It wasn't. We were sitting under the stars waiting to see breathtaking displays of pyrotechnics to celebrate the amazing country in which we live. My baby girl perched on my belly as I lay on my back to view the show. The rest of my family was flung out beside me, the sparkles reflected in their eyes. It was worth the wait, and the wait wasn't all that bad anyway (spoiled Americans we are!). Reflecting back on that outing, let me put my life in perspective. The place we are in is not ideal, but it is far from horrible. We live in a beautiful home in a beautiful town, albeit temporarily. I could go on about the ocean, the weather, the Mouse at our disposal, blah, blah... We have the challenging, but fun task of finding a permanent home, school, and "life" for a family of eight. We may not have things exactly as we want, but like the fireworks display, all's well that ends well.

Please See Attendant

I'm over the pee in the trash can, the pee on the shower curtain, the pee behind the door, stepping in pee, pee anywhere it can be in the bathroom (except the toilet bowl) and not to mention pee on the seat, of course.



I don't use the kids' bathroom anymore. Ambercutie calls it the "gas station bathroom" because that's how bad it is. It smells like a gas station bathroom in which the door knob is missing and stuffed with toilet paper, there is no soap, the walls are plywood, and you look for hidden cameras. That type.



Where did I go wrong in my toilet training of my boys? I better learn now, because it's only going to get worse. We have four boys (well, three boys and one man) "using" the toilet now, and I still have one to train. I will probably have two more to train if this little one in my womb is a boy (who am I kidding, we KNOW it will be a boy- all of hubby's girl sperm swam away to better families).



I have decided to do another session of toilet training. Potty Training 102. I will stick a sign on the bathroom doors that says, "Please See Attendant." The doors will be locked, so the boys must summon me, the attendant, to unlock them. I will then supervise the visit. The pee better land in the bowl. Put the seat and lid down (ah, how wonderful to not have baby splashing away in the toilet bowl). Flush. Good boy. Now wash your hands! Towel hangs back up. Very nice. I'll put a sticker on your chart.



It should all work out very nicely. Yeah right. Men's restrooms are gross, and I've got one in my very own home. I should just deal with it. Ambercutie and I will go to the nice "women's room" to do our business. Maybe we'll get a little couch or a make-up counter with lights...

Are We Freaks Yet?

Nowadays it is difficult to announce the upcoming birth of a child. If that child is your sixth child. For many reasons, my husband and I have put off sharing our news. Now, we can't hide it anymore.

I have a bump. No wait, I'm 36 and have been pregnant multiple times. I do not have a bump; it's more of a mound. It is now apparent that I have not just put on weight. Plus, people we have told are beginning to leak. The baby news is draining down through the roots of our social network. Friends are shocked. Feelings are hurt. Why aren't we including them with this special announcement? Yet, people feel free to gossip, because at this point, it is gossip. People will "talk" until it is confirmed. The tongues wag: "How many are they going to have?" "They need a hobby." "Those poor kids." "How can they afford it?" We are viewed in a different light. We are different. Freaks even.

Why else would an educated, healthy, financially stable, "normal" couple decide to have so many kids ? Mormon? No. Catholic? No. Quiverfull (whatever the heck that is)? No. What is WRONG with us? That's what people really want to know. We're talking about only six kids, people. That's right, I said "only six." Do you know how many ancestors are laughing in their graves right now?

By the way, shouldn't all the educated, healthy, financially stable, "normal" couples be the ones having lots of kids? Hasn't anyone seen Idiocracy?

Do others feel guilty that they must not love their children because they didn't want more of them? That the two children they do have drives their bourbon-at-bedtime habit? Do they hold us in contempt because of what our multiplication must be doing to Mother Earth? Are they quietly or openly scornful that we must be neglecting our dirty, hungry, howling-for-attention brood? Perhaps others are frustrated that they can't figure out how we are raising such a large family and wanting more? Aren't we zombies already? Will we have to take out a second mortgage to pay the food bill or to hire a laundry management team? Are we exhausting their imaginations by living and wanting a life that is hard for them to imagine?

I think most people are glad it is us and not them. That is their choice and right. Just like it is ours.

Family Guy

A couple of years ago I had a serious eye infection. This infection spurred a condition I have called recurrent corneal erosion. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds. Although my right eye was fine, if I used it it would cause me to move my left eye, which would be extremely painful. Therefore, most of the time I would have my eyes closed (except when I needed to open the Percocet bottle).

Why am I writing about this? Well, there is something that makes me think back to those days of almost blindness. That something is a show called Family Guy. Family Guy almost makes me look back with fondness on those days of eye patches and the inability to drive. At least back then I wouldn't have to see that crappy show.

My husband is an avid watcher of the Griffins and their shenanigans. If the show is on, he is watching it. This often means I have to send the kids to bed early (if you've ever seen it, you know why). He chooses the show over the kids most of the time. Ah, t.v. and family togetherness.

Tonight, I let my three-year-old stay up. He has been feeling lonely now that the older kids are in school. Steve was watching "Family Crap." I hoped most of the show would go over Bubble Boy's head, but he always knows when something is supposed to be funny, and he repeats it. Tonight he repeated, "Daddy, ha, ha, they said, 'when you die you are supposed to soil yourself!'"
Now he just needs to repeat that during his preschool interview.

Why don't I like it? #1: It is just not funny. The crudeness and politically incorrectness and anything else it exudes to be "shocking" doesn't bother me; it just isn't funny. #2: It is annoying. Why do I want to hear the kinds of things kids say in junior high? The pointless and weird tangents the show takes do not make it funny.

The only thing that puts a slightly amused smile on my face is Stewie, the evil baby. He is my comic relief while I am stuck listening to the show because I am trapped in the kitchen doing dishes. Stewie makes one wonder if all innocent looking babes are plotting the world's destruction and their mother's demise. Alas, unlike the show itself and its nightly marathons, all it takes to quiet Stewie is his binky.

Kindergarten Rant

Experts have discovered in recent years that preschoolers have more learning potential than previously thought. The good news concerning this is that preschool education has flourished and is taken more seriously. The bad news is that preschool education is taken more seriously.

Granted, my background is in secondary education, but as an educator, I believe preschool and kindergarten are probably the most important years in a student's learning career. Many times as a high school English teacher, I would lament，“if only this kid had had a good start." Preschool skills are built upon in kindergarten and so on. If these steps are missed or done poorly, it is noticeable all the way up to high school. Kids have a hard time climbing the educational ladder if rungs are missing. Let's switch metaphors now; preschool and kindergarten are the foundation. That being said, that doesn't mean those years should be treated as high- pressure academic years. One does not use the same tools to lay a foundation that one uses to put the roof on.

If a child is lucky enough to stay at home with a non-working parent who has a knack for "staying at home" (not all kids who stay at home are better off than kids in daycare- there are all kinds of parents and all kinds of daycare- but that is another discussion), then that child is in the optimal environment in my opinion. When that child is ready to start school, it makes sense to me, that it be a gradual process. A short week (two to four half-days) of preschool is a nice introduction to all that preschool should accomplish: social skills, independence from parents, school settings and rules, taking direction from other adults, pre-reading skills, pre-math skills, art, music, movement, and simple handwriting.

Then comes kindergarten. Ideally, in my opinion, this should be a small step up from preschool. Added to the above mentioned goals would be more handwriting, simple math, early reading. Should there be homework? NO WAY! The exception would be an activity the child would do with a parent every once in a while, such as complete a family tree. Should the child be at school all day? I say no. A full day is way too long for five-year-olds. I have my third kid in full-day kindergarten now, and we hate it again just like we did with the first child and the second child.

My third child comes home exhausted, and though he was so excited to start school that first day, he now doesn't want to go to school because "it takes too long." He doesn't even get a nap or a quiet time at school. I think a half-day is plenty of time for kindergarten's purpose. Yes, it is an important knowledge absorbing time for a kid. The kindergarten year should not be wasted, but it is not akin to an all-nighter before a college exam. Young kids learn differently- not through textbooks and worksheets so much- but through playing with a tub of worms or exploring a creek. These things can happen at home, too.

Half-days give parents more input into their young child's education. The same reason many give for staying home with their kids is still at play. Do you want your child to get most of his learning and caregiving from someone else? At this age, no. Eventually and gradually, OK.

Now, for the kid who has grown up in daycare: it would be silly for this kid to go from full days at daycare and preschool to half-days at kindergarten. For many, full-day kindergarten is better. Research has shown it to be beneficial to economically and socially disadvantaged kids as well. If enrichment can't happen at home, it should happen somewhere. If kids can't have the parent at home, then kindergarten full time is better than the alternative of an inferior daycare center, for example.

There are different types of family situations out there and different types of kids. That's why I wish all states would offer both full and half-day kindergarten. Plus, for crying out loud, make kindergarten and preschool mandatory (as long as it isn't all (full day) or nothing). Educational experts now know the learning power of the preschool brain, but let's not go overboard. In Georgia, preschool (the last year before kindergarten) is free. However, the four-year-olds must go to school everyday and all day. Preschool! This is all or nothing. It is not quality. It is basically the easiest thing for the school system to do but not the best thing to do. It does help kids who would be in daycare anyway, but it is not ideal for the children who are blessed with the ideal of a parent at home.

I have done limited research on this subject (research data is actually limited) I do not have a degree in early childhood education or development. I have only my gut and my experience as mother of five young children, plus my own childhood memories. How much farther could I have gone in life if I had had full-day kindergarten? Rather, how much farther could my children go with only half-days?